Always Hope To Dream
by xXxRoses-are-reDxXx
Summary: A song fic based onf I Dreamed A Dream from the west end musical Les Miserables. Rose has to leave the Doctor to save him for her and himself. A tribue to BIllie Piper who will be sadly missed.
1. I Dreamed A Dream

(I don't own Doctor Who or Les Mis)

Hey guys, ok so I know this is very different to the last fic I wrote but after I heard that Billie Piper will be leaving at the end of the series. I'm all too aware that she probably wont be leaving in the way that I have written and have a horrible feeling it has something to do with "Rose dying in battle".

But anyway, it kind of affected me a bit because I think that Rose is a character that we can all relate to so I wrote this as a tribute both to Rose and Billie Piper who has given me many an enjoyable Saturday evening. So here it is, I'm not sure how good it is or anything because I was quite emotional when I wrote it. I cried when I read it back so you might want to get the tissues ready before starting. Its based on a favourite song of mine called "I Dreamed a Dream" from the West End Musical Les Miserables, I've been meaning to write a fic with this for a while and now seemed an appropriate time to do it.

I Dreamed A Dream

_I dreamed a dream in time gone by,  
When hope was high and life, worth living.  
I dreamed that love would never die,  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving._

She remembered the first time she'd met him. The Doctor. Her Doctor. She remembered being reminded of her childhood dreams. The dreams that had given her hope that there was something out there for her, something worth fighting for. Something that when she found it, she would know this was it; this was why she existed. Oh how right she had been.

As the night drew on, she lay on her bed, the tears streaming freely down her face as she allowed her mind to wander around her memories, taking in everything about that first meeting. She saw his face as clearly as if it had been just yesterday. He had smiled that smile, taken her hand and said "run!" Her dreams running away with him.

_Then I was young and unafraid,  
And dreams were made and used and wasted.  
There was no ransom to be paid,  
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.  
_

She knew how much she had grown since then, how over the years she had learned that it was okay to be afraid. The doctor had taught her to embrace her emotions and dreams. To never waste a moment, even when sleeping. He had taught her to channel her emotions and dreams to do good in the universe, and together they travelled for what seemed like a perfect lifetime, experiencing everything their surroundings could offer them. Including the monsters, most prominent in her mind were the daleks. They had lead to so much, daleks… bad wolf… regeneration…

_But the tigers come at night,  
With their voices soft as thunder,  
As they tear your hope apart,  
And they turn your dream to shame._

She had thought the nightmares would never leave her. They had filled her nights with true horrors that others could scarcely imagine, some she understood and some she did not. It has taken a long time for her to get used to the new Doctor. But once she had, it had been the best time of her life.

She lifted herself from her bed and straightened the sheets, listening to the gentle hum of the TARDIS wondering if she would ever get used to life without it. Wiping away a new tear, she walked to the door, taking one last look at her room before she turned out the light and closed the door on part of the best times of her life. She crept silently down the corridor and tiptoed into the Doctor's room. After watching him sleep for as long as she could bear, she bent down and kissed his head. For a moment she thought he would wake, but she sighed with relief as he simply turned over and muttered something that sounded heart-wrenchingly like "Rose… love." She tore herself from the room and walked towards the control room, shaking with fear at the prospect of a doctorless future. Looking around for one last time, she pulled out her phone and took photos of everything, determined not to forget a single thing; particularly the way the Doctor always left his coat on the couch before going to bed, so she could put it on in the morning to fight the cold. Knowing he wouldn't mind, she picked up the trench coat and emptied the pockets before putting it on. Her fingers lingered slightly longer than necessary on a photo of the doctor and herself that she was surprised to find he carried around with him. She placed it, along with a letter she had written to him to explain things on central column, putting the sonic screwdriver, a single rose and her TARDIS key on top. And with that she left. She walked out onto the harsh London Street where he had landed before bed on her request, not knowing what she was planning, or maybe he did know, she never could tell with him. She sat on a bench in the park where the TARDIS was currently sitting. She thought, with deep regret, that it looked a little deflated in her absence.

Her mind unwillingly returned to the good times she had had with the Doctor. She remembered falling in love with him, despite her best efforts to stay loyal to his previous incarnation. It had killed her inside watching him at work, the way he peered at her over his glasses, raising his eyebrows. The way he crinkled his nose before coming out with something that was sure to wow everyone in the room. The way he ruffled his hair. The way she ruffled his hair… the way the hugged… the way the kissed…

_He slept a summer by my side,  
He filled my days with endless wonder...  
He took my childhood in his stride,  
But he was gone when autumn came!  
_

But she had learned long ago that dreams could not come true, this could never work for her and the doctor. They were too different. Deep down she had known that he was falling for her in the same way that she fell for him every time he looked in her direction. She hated herself for it. After all, he had been right, she could spend her whole life with him, but he could not spend his whole life with her. Sooner or later she would be taken from him. Whether it would be in battle, or from illness, or from old age only the future could know but either way the end was inevitable. And she knew it would kill him inside, torture him for all eternity. So she had been left with only one alternative, get out while she could. Hurt him, yes it would surely hurt him. But it would also save him. Save him from himself and save him from her. So she had made the decision to leave him before he got in too deep, for his own sake as much as hers. It was not out of hate or spite that she left him in the middle of the night, but out of love. Deep, unconditional love. "I love you…" she whispered into the darkness, knowing that he already knew.

Her head snapped up as she was brought sharply out of her thoughts, thoughts that now seemed like distant dreams, as she heard the familiar rumble of a departing TARDIS. She knew there was no turning back. She knew hat he has read her letter and she thanked him for understanding, for not coming after her but for letting her go. "I'm so sorry…" she said under her breath as she turned her back on the source of the sound, never thinking she would know how it felt to be the one left behind.

Years passed, but she had refused to forget the life the Doctor had given her, refused to forget that he had so willingly taken her into his life, shown her the universe then let her go without causing her pain. And for that she was grateful. For that she loved him, always had always will. She still dreamed about him most nights that he would come back to her, tell her she was in actual fact a time lady and they could be together forever. This thought made her laugh, although it killed her that any part of the situation could be funny. Her and Sarah-Jane now met up frequently, reliving their adventures, sharing their stories, clinging on to what they both accepted was the love of both their lives. Finding hope in each other's recounts. Oh yes, she still clung to the Doctor, still kept his picture under her pillow to ward off the monsters that haunted her every night, like a child clutching their favourite teddy. He was her security, even now.

_And still I dream he'll come to me,  
That we will live the years together,  
But there are dreams that cannot be,  
And there are storms we cannot weather!_

She lay awake in bed, looking out at the stars, wondering if he was out there still, if he still looked the same, if he had found another companion. Of course, deep down she knew he was still out there and that was all that mattered. She didn't care if he looked different, even if he was ginger; she didn't even care if he was now showing some new girl the end of the world. Because she knew, and was completely secure in the fact, that he, the way she remembered him- big brown eyes, gorgeous hair and adorable pout- would always be her doctor. And although she hated every moment that she was alive without him, she knew that he would be better off without her. Her life was so small, and although she had done so much in it, compared to his it would soon be over. She could live her years, knowing that she had no regrets, knowing that she had saved him. Knowing most of all that one day he would be able to be happy again. So she didn't mind that she was in hell, didn't mind that life had killed the dreams that she was so sure would come true, didn't mind that the monsters haunted her every night. Because Reinette had been right, the Doctor really was worth the monsters.

_I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living,  
So different now from what it seemed...  
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed..._

Life truly had killed the dream. But the reality lay intact, the reality of what she had done, where she had been, and whom she had shared it with. She had learned so much, that there was always something worth fighting for, that it was okay to be afraid, there was always something more to see, and that you should always hope to dream. But most importantly she had learned to love, and whatever her dreams told her, she still knew that she truly was forever the Doctors, forever his Rose.


	2. Dear Doctor

Dear doctor,

Do not be alarmed or upset when you read this letter, but feel content. Content that what we have will never be gone, tarnished or forgotten. By the time you read this, I will be gone. But please do not come after me for we both know we cannot be. Please do not despair for I don't leave you out of hatred, but out of love. I love you doctor, more than you will ever know.

We have shared the best times together, and the worst and I will never regret a moment I have spent in your company. You taught me so many things. You taught me to always see more than was visible, never to be afraid of fear, and you taught me to love. These lessons I will never forget.

But we both knew this time would come, and at last it has. I am grateful for the adventures time has given me with you and I will carry them forever in my heart but I can no longer be with you. For one day I must leave you be it in death or otherwise. So I choose otherwise. Not because I fear death but because I no you will blame yourself. I do not want you to regret a single moment we were together. I do not want you to look back on our time and think you were responsible for my death. And that is why I leave you. Because Doctor, if you can't spend your whole life with me, neither can I you. I only want to protect you and I know that one-day you will learn to be happy again knowing that while your memories are strong I can never fade away.

Its so cruel that we spent so little time together, but I will never really be gone, as long as you hold me close to your heart, as I will you. Do not fear your dreams doctor because I will be with you in every one of them. Holding your hand, running like nothing else matters, kissing you goodnight, all this was real and can never be disputed. One day I no that death will take us both, and no matter how long it takes I will wait for you in the after life where we can be together forever without the burden of mortality. Before I leave you, I ask just this:

Remember me doctor, remember me always. Remember me and I will remember you. Don't let go of the times we spent together and run every day, run like nothing else matters. I love you Doctor and as long as we remember we will never be apart. You will always be my Doctor.

Deepest love and always yours

Your Rose xxx


End file.
